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Previous: Pleasing Yourself

Down to Business

Ok, so we have begun to talk about Pleasure and learning to how to begin use it more helpfully.

Once we can understand Pleasure a bit better, we can get down to Business and begin to explore the more unpleasant end of our Emotions - our Pain and our Fear.

Of course these are all connected together in many ways, and we shall look at one way.

The steps and lessons to learn below are all similar and follow on from each other - but how they differ in how apply differs.

Learning from Pain

Pain is there for a reason!

The first lesson from any pain is to realise it is there for a reason. We spend so much time avoiding our hurts and pains thinking they are bad and take us away from our pleasures and out goals, when in reality it has much to say. Why do we shoot the messenger? 

But the saying from doing gym work is: "No Pain, No Gain". It is tempting to say how wrong this is, or to even glorify our pain - but there is a truth in it. Our pain give us messages that help us to grow and develop. If we ignore them, we may have some small gains, but we also have bigger losses.

Own your own pain

Admitting our mistakes s something we all do badly - as in admitting them, we are saying we are imperfect. So just as we mustn't ignore our hurts and pains, we need to stand up and own them, not blaming others, and not blaming ourselves.

Pain is Good

Accept that hurt from the mistake is GOOD (but not pleasant); it is whatever caused the pain that is bad that needs fixing.

Avoid Pain at our Peril

If we hide the pain, we hide from the cause and keep repeating the same mistakes.

Hiding the pain also causes the pain to grow until we pay attention to it.

Conscious Focus

We need to learn to focus consciously on the pain long enough for it to diminish so we can see where it comes from.

Find the Lesson to Learn

Find the lesson(s) to learn from the mistake and then move on.

Do not dwell on the hurt – let it go!

Be more cautious next time

Allow ourselves to be scared of the cause and be more careful next time.

Do not be scared of the pain – it will help us to avoid getting into more pain in the future if we can learn from it.

Allow Ourselves to Heal

All healing comes from pain. No pain, no gain!


Facing the Fear

Feel the Fear

We need to learn to be aware and own our fear. This is tricky to start with, as in its instinctual state, not only are we unaware of it, but we avoid it all all costs - "the only thing to Fear is Fear itself". But Fear is not to be avoided, and has too much to teach us - It is our own feedback, and it is our own responsibility! 

The problem is that if we avoid our Fear, it grows. And since we may be unaware of our feeling, it often first appears as a physical reaction in our bodies - the effect of the Adrenaline and state of shock that our body enters when the Fear rises. We initially call this reaction the state of "Anxiety" and the "Panic" - medical terms we use, when we should be just saying "Scared" or "Shocked". By allowing ourselves to discover the feeling underneath the reactions, we have a chance to listen to the message and warning it may contain.

Fear is Good

Just like Pain - Fear also is Good, and it is what causes it that may be Bad and to be avoided - but we can only discover this if we allow ourselves to accept and own our Fear. However, it is easier to accept our Fear when it is smaller and not so physically connected. We need to learn that to accept the Fear earlier when it is small - and that to be a little scared is GOOD. It helps us to be alert and keep our feet on the ground. Too much fear will trip us up. and slow us down too much.

Avoid the Pain in the Future

It seems that Fear and Pain are connected, and often confused. It seems the thing we Fear most is our Pain - which is why I guess that we also strongly avoid Pain as well. 

The thing we Fear above all is Death - in one way the ultimate loss or Pain, and yet in Death, we are also strangely relieved of all Pain. 

This time, we need to accept the fear so that we can avoid the pain in the future. Our Fear gives us a unique ability to predict the future. If we have been down a road before and cannot remember where we need to turn off, a strange feeling begins to come over us - we start to get an urge that say we have gone too far, that grows and grows, until we feel sure that we have gone too far. And just then - our turn off appears around the corner.

Fear kicks in BEFORE we are hurt (or miss the turn off), and before any physical damage is done

Conscious Focus

We need to allow ourselves to focus consciously on the fear for long enough so we can see where it comes from.

Pleasure and Fear

It is possible to be both excited and scared at the same time. This should not stop us from going forward, but allow us to move cautiously knowing we can stop if we need to.


When we first meet someone, we are naturally scared of them - "Stranger Danger", when our Trust is at its lowest - as we do not know the person at all. As we have more experience of that person, and give them them bit by bit of our trust, our Fear slowly reduces and we become less scared as our Trust increases. 

But maybe Trust and Fear are connected. Maybe our Trust is Learned Fear, and maybe our Fear Instinct becomes actually protects us from Death.

Fear is usually seen as weak and to be overcome, I believe it is much stronger than we may be aware. 

Trusting others however means accepting the fear as well, as no one is perfect.


Our Fear also gives us a “gut reaction” and “instinct” that will warn us long before we can consciously work out the “why”. This can only develop into a learned “intuition” if we practice using it. This "Gut Reaction" is one of the biggest value in a Doctor - warning us that something is wrong long before we can make a diagnosis.

Pleasure and Pain



Next: Learning to Build

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